Part Five
The Sierras Mountains loomed in the background trying their best to be as majestic and intimidating as possible. And these particular mountains had working on this particular pose for quite some time. Being mountains, it took an awful long time to strike a pose. Voguing was all a mountain knew, all it understood, all it had, so nothing vogues quite like a mountain and these Sierras Mountains were no exception. Just looking at them makes you think, “mountains… lots of mountains… with snow on top.”
Beneath the voguing snow capped mountains, parked along the roadside, a V.W. minivan (which was incidentally very poor at voguing) waited for its driver to return unable to desert him due to the unfortunate fact its emergency brake held fast. It wanted to, you cannot believe how much the minivan wanted to, stealthy coast away from its insane drive leaving him alone amidst the voguing snow capped mountains, but alias, this would not happen; the emergency brake held fast. So, like a dog who was tied to a parking meter in front of a dinner where its master cruelly sat by the window and slowly ate lunch within view, the V.W. minivan waited.
Yum yum doggy! Pulled pork sandwich with extra BBQ sauce.
The van hated being in the foothills, the mindless ups and downs edged it closer to death and the threat of having to drive up the mountains voguing in the distant brought it no end of despair. The mountains were mocking it as were the fates that brought such a nice, kind, gentle V.W. minivan such as itself together with the bunch lunatics that now invested it and who would assuredly drive it to ends that would be unpleasant to all. As the minivan pondered its fate the human driver was joined by one of the lunatics that invested it.
Peter stumbled out of the V.W. minivan desperately needing to relieve himself. He glanced around the roadside to find a suitable objects to obscure views of his pee pee while he committed his act of urine evacuation before seeing a confused looking Mike standing in the road. Peter stormed over to Mike and snarled, “Is it safe to assume you have strayed from the straight and narrow, as you have so often before, and we are currently hopelessly lost in a forsaken and desolate land?”
Mike gazed into the sky in childish hopes of being able to pin point his location on earth by the position of the sun. “It's O.K. Peter,” assured Mike, “we lost them—”
“That's not what you would call,” growled Peter, “a reassuring reply.”
Mike stared down the old, four-lane road with a watchful eye. “This road had to once be a highway once, look how big it is—”
“And unused it is—” snarled Peter.
“But, unused in a friendly way,” retorted Mike.
“I do believe those mountains,” shouted Peter, “are on the wrong side!”
The mountains were very happy to have been noticed and exhilarated by the attention began to strike a new pose, one that would most assuredly bring more light to the recently noticed side, although, it would take several generation of humanity before this would be noticed.
“I should’ve never trusted you—”
“We were being followed,” shouted back Mike. “And this time we were being followed by something physical, not just something in my head.”
“And you would know that how?”
“We were being followed, a big black super van with lots of lights. I was trying to lose them—”
“Well, you lost us,” hollered Peter, “and if we miss the game—”
“Don't worry the Giants will be at San Francisco for three games,” assured Mike, “I'll find our way back as soon as we know where we are... we have only been traveling for four hours, kind of due north, so we—”
“How could you cross the Sierras and not know?” shouted Peter, “They are huge mountains with snow on top!”
“We didn't cross the Sierras. I think we are still in California ya moron,” snarled Mike.
“Then how come the mountains are on my left,” retorted Peter.
“But how do you know we're facing North?” snapped back Mike.
“Cause...” growled Peter, “because, the sun is… directly over head.”
“Ha ha,” laughed Mike pointing in a most irritating manner at Peter.
Dinah stumbled out of the minivan as if awoken rudely from a sexually charged dream, “Where the hell are we? I thought we were go’n the San Francisco.”
“Mike lost us.”
“We were being followed,” snapped Mike, "and I lost them."
“I wonder if it could have been my idiot husband.”
“Who was following us?” asked John who appeared suddenly behind Mike. “I wonder if it was Susan.”
“God!” screamed Mike. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
The minivan tried with all its might to break free from the parking park now that its infestation of humans had ended but, to no avail. The parking park held fast. It sighed and tried to enjoy the few moments it would have with no human on board.
John said with a quiet voice, “I think Susan was chasing after me! It was Susan coming to get me!”
“If Susan ever comes to get you,” said Peter, “run, because only thoughts of homicide will compel her to return to your side.”
“Or, if she wants to dumb a kid off that he did not father,” added Dinah.
“Ha,” laughed Peter. “Votes! How many think John would raise a kid Susan had with another man even if he never got to see Susan again?”
Dinah, Peter, Mike and John raised their hands.
“It would be like having a little piece of her beside me forever,” said John.
“Oh, how sweet and idiotic,” said Dinah.
“But the person who followed us! I know it was Susan,” yelled John.
“I think it was my husband.”
“OK,” said Peter, who, if you have not figured out by now, is their leader, “Show of hands, how many could have a estranged former lovers following them?”
Peter, John and Dinah raised their hands.
“Do transsexuals count?” asked Mike.
“Of course they do,” said Peter.
Mike raised his hand.
“Male to female or female to male?” asked Dinah.
Mike thought for a second then said, “Yes.”
“OK. How many of these estranged loved ones would want to do harm to anyone of us?” asked Peter.
Peter, John, Mike and Dinah raised their hands.
“Well that got us nowhere,” mumbled Dinah.
“We all really suck at love don’t we?” asked Mike.
“I don’t care if she wants to kill all of you,” said John, “I want Susan by my side.”
“And that is why no one cares about what you think,” said Peter.
“I think we ignore him for more reasons than just that,” added Mike.
“So what is the plan?” asked Dinah.
“What have to figure out where we are,” said Peter, “We don’t know if we are going South or North.”
“We just have wait,” said Mike, “and see where the sun sets. Then we'll know.”
“Or, we could see what side the moss grows on the trees,” offered John.
“Or, we could wave down the next car,” said Peter with a highly authoritative tone of voice.
“Or,” Dinah said with great sarcasm, “we could just go over to that roadside bar and ask someone inside.”
“Of course we could do that too,” mumbled Peter, “but my idea would still work.”
